The one boy I was there for was late.
A party had begun without him.
He would be there soon.
A drink while I wait.
Alcohol kept being poured.
I didn’t refuse.
Half empty cups sat next to me.
My words began to slur.
We all laughed.
I was drunk.
I was not unconscious.
Subtle cues went by unnoticed.
My naive mind was tainted.
Snickering. Muffled words. Gestures.
They were all so nice the week before.
My guard was down.
I put trust in basic strangers.
I can remember the change.
The moment I noticed the fun was over…
Exiting the restroom.
The door was barely opened when I was greeted.
Eyes harboring a slight hostility.
I had seen those eyes before.
I was not a stranger to that look.
My heart skipped a beat but I refused to show fear.
I would just leave.
My mind was aware.
My body was not as compliant.
A little stumble.
An attempt at a quick recovery was not simple.
Four hands were offered.
I waved them away.
They took my arms anyway.
The stairs were five measly steps away.
My path to the stairs is blocked by six legs.
Four arms pull at me from a room off the hallway.
The arms holding mine force compliance.
My unsteady legs betray me.
Did I stumble from the alcohol or the fear quaking through me?
“I just want to leave.” The words escape.
Hot breath through laughter lands on my neck.
Another familiar feeling that invokes terror.
I pull against the arms.
A feeble, drunken attempt to move past five guys.
The struggle brings more laughter.
On a bed.
I continue to fight.
The laughter is silent.
There is only the sound of skin and heavy breath.
I am pulled apart and pushed against.
The battle is lost.
A gasp escapes me.
*The first set of legs between mine is encouraged.
I will not gasp again.
There will be no more reaction.
My breath is shallow.
The struggle is gone.
It’s daylight still.
This kind of thing doesn’t happen during daylight.
My eyes stare at the light filtering through the blinds.
One slat is broken and the cord is all tangled.
My skin crawls from the disarray.
*Or is it the next set of legs that find their way between mine?
Pay attention to the filtering light.
Notice the slight crack running along the ceiling above the window.
*Another invasion of legs.
My cries are no longer silent.
Focus on my burning eyes.
Feel the pain in my wrists.
Don’t feel anything below.
He is bigger than the others.
He knows and cheers himself as I cry out.
The smell of him makes me gag.
I wish I could throw up but nothing.
*The last legs.
He is teased.
I choose to look at him.
His eyes appear scared.
I beg him to step away.
They chant for “cherry boy”.
He is stroking himself.
His eyes attempt to flirt and I look away.
He was the worst of all.
The fact I thought mercy might have been granted
The breathing and moaning.
He lingered. He touched.
He pushed through his fear and felt validated.
Ten legs left the room.
I was alone.
The door was closed.
My two legs were now alone.
My two arms no longer restrained.
When did I sit up?
When did I get dressed?
When did I go to the door?
I exit the house to their praise of thanks.
They thanked me?
My stomach turns.
Shame flows through me like a river.
I am sober.
I am numb.
The numbness will last for years.